I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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