So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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