And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
