im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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