Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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