Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...