like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
