He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
