I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
