I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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