new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
