1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
