i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
