why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The air was thick with penises
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
