u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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