They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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