When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?