Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
