Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
