Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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