"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
