i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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