omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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