I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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