i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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