Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
