I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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