I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
