i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
