I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
