8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
