Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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