I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just forgot I was standing up.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
