Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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