I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
