Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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