Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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