I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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