my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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