That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
