He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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