Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
