i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
