Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
