I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
