also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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