I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
