i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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