Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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