I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
