i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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