you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
