I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
