If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
