I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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