His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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