I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
